WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.