A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
You Might Also Like
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Ugh but profoundly
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.