Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?