Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this