Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.