[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…