Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.