My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The Book. The Movie.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking