OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
A new level of troll.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.