Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.