I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The government even made aliens boring
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related