Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Denise please return my vape pen
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Has science gone too far?
Favourite diary entry ever
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“What movie?” 🤔
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: