The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You Might Also Like
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
how to exercise your calf muscles
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever