me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.