Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.