interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”