DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.