13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass