Aaaa…CHOO!
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Oh we’ve met.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.