A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
a god among men
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.