shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.