You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies