Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.