My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .