Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for