I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
put ‘er there pardner!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?