*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.