[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014