Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets