if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
You Might Also Like
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
i made a craigslist ad !
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.