[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”