I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
You Might Also Like
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.