I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
#Caturday
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Facebook memories be like
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Donkey Kong sommelier
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”