God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.