My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
titanic
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
May never get over this
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away