You Might Also Like
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Somebody’s lying.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.