At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Social Media and Real life
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
yea so i messed up lol
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old