Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
You Might Also Like
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess