My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.