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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.