I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.