Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Still laughing at this stupid meme
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.