I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
me when i see my girls butt
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Blew out my flip flop…
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does