I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.