Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags