Anyone want a chair?
You Might Also Like
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
New Tinder profile.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
No chill.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.