*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*