Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Life cycle of cat
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said