[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.