What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…